If you are following along with us in the Agent Grad School Summer Book Club, July’s book was Playing Big by Tara Mohr.
Not sure what the Agent Grad School Summer Book Club is all about? Learn more here.
Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want To Speak Up, Create and Lead by Tara Mohr.
Even though this book has the words “for women” in the title, any real estate agent, no matter how you identify, can apply the lessons in this book. Every one of us needs a little reminder to “Play Big” every now and then.
As Tara says, Playing Big is about being more loyal to your dreams than your fears, something everyone needs to be reminded of from time to time.
Playing Big is about being willing to “slay the dragons” that keep us stuck right where we are. Things like:
- Seeking praise
- Avoiding criticism; and
and instead, taking the necessary “leaps” to powerfully communicate to our ideal clients, listening to our callings, and letting it be easy every step of the way.
We could have talked about this book all day (and almost did).
I hope every real estate agent reads this book. I’m sharing the snippet of our book club conversation in hopes you’ll be inspired to Play Big in your real estate business and your life outside your business too.
To your success,
P.S. Want to be part of our book club discussions? You can become an Agent Grad School student here.
On today’s episode of Confessions of a Top Producing Real Estate Agent. I’m sharing the snippet from our July book club discussion. The book that our students and I picked for our July book club was “Playing Big: practical wisdom for women who want to speak up, create and lead” by Tara Mohr. Just a quick note on the title of this book, it has the word women in it, but no matter how you identify this book is a great reminder to be more loyal to your dreams than your fears as the author, Tara Mohr says, so keep listening. Even if you aren’t a woman or you don’t identify as a woman, this is one of those books that will have you earmarking pages, pulling out your highlighter and giving it to everybody you know, and reading it again.
And again, there are so many golden nuggets for you to bust through whatever is keeping you stuck and create the life that you want. The Agent Grad School students. And I loved those books so much that our book club conversation went on for two hours, which obviously would make would’ve made for a very long podcast. So I’m not going to make you listen to all of it. But if you are a student, it’s in the replay section of the student portal, but I am sharing here on the podcast, a portion today. I hope that the snippet I’ve chose inspires you to get this book, read it, cover to cover and start Playing Big and your own real estate business and in your own life too. And if you’re new to agent grad school, and maybe this is the first time you’re hearing about our book club welcome.
We have a summer book club run by our students. Students nominate a book to read June, July, and August. And then we meet to discuss the book. At the end of each of those months. This year, we had so many great and entries. I couldn’t pick them all, unfortunately, but I have a few ready for next summer already. And because we had so many great entries, I added one more. What? I’m calling a back to school book in September, you can learn all about this summer’s book club at agentgradschool.com/bookclub2021 that’s Agentgradschool.com/bookclub2021. Now listen into our discussion for Playing Big stay tuned until the end of the episode, when I’ll be telling you what book we are reading in August.
So you can read along with us. Here you go. Welcome to this episode of Confessions of a Top Producing Real Estate Agent. I’m your host, Jennifer Myers, listen in, as I share exactly what I did to go from not being able to sell a house for years to becoming one of the top 1% of agents in the US even opening my own brokerage full of agents helped me serve all the clients that were coming my way. I taught those agents at the same strategies I use and date two became top producing agents. Now through this podcast and age and grad school.com, I’m sharing those same modern marketing and business strategies with you. Most of which I learned from looking outside of the real estate industry, no fluff, no theory, no outdated sales techniques or paying for leads, just the exact steps to get you the real estate business you’ve always wanted.
And the life outside your business, you’ve always wanted to let’s make it happen and dive into today’s episode. All right, so Playing Big. So she defines it in several different ways. Mainly she said it’s different for each person. And one thing that resonated with me the way she phrased Playing Big was being more loyal to your dreams than your fears. So that’s one of the reasons why I chose this book. It was recommended to me by my aunt. Who’s also a real estate agent, but it’s also full of lots of practical advice that I thought would be great for this group to talk about that we can apply to our businesses or just our everyday life.
Does anyone have a particular way they would define Playing Big or a definition that she defined in the book that you resonate with? No. Yeah. I love the question. What is Playing Big mean? And the context of your career at the stage. And if you didn’t read and read the book, we’d love to have you guys participate, because I think these, the concept of Playing Big is worthy of conversation. Even if you haven’t read the book and hopefully based on, if you haven’t read the book or only read a little piece of the book, perhaps the conversation that we’re having today about the concept of Playing Big, we’ll actually have you go back to this book and actually read it.
So even if you haven’t read the book, what does Playing Big mean and the context of your career at the stage? And it could be different for every single one of us. So who, who has a thought about that? I think for me, even just becoming an agent grad school student was Playing Big for me. Like all of us joining age and grad school chose to a different path than the average real estate agent. I’d say that’s Playing Big for me at least. And then getting on these calls and being vulnerable, that’s Playing Big in my mind. I love her definition. Playing Big is about bridging the gap between what we see and you, and what you know about yourself. She goes on to say, it’s not about the old school notion of Playing Big, more money, more prestige, a bigger empire or fame.
It’s about living with a sense of greater freedom to express your voice and pursue your aspirations. Playing Big, according to what Playing Big truly means to you. And she goes on to say, brilliant women of which all of you are playing small, that the world would be changed for much, much better by our greater participation. And she says, brilliant women who couldn’t quite see their own brilliant. This is why this is what prompted her even create this concept of Playing Big, brilliant woman who couldn’t quite see their brilliance, women who were convinced their ideas needed more perfecting or refinement or time. I know we’ve all been there before being put into action or women who, for reasons they weren’t sure of, we’re not moving forward to their greatest aspiration and dreams.
So what does Playing Big mean for anybody here at this stage? And it says guilty. We’re all guilty of that. I think it’s just human. And for me Playing Big right now and my, and this stage of my career, one of the biggest things I did to play big was a couple of years ago when I kept feeling that whisper, that there was more for me. And like when I hit that 20 year career mark, when I was in a career for 20 years, 18 years in real estate, I just cause like, wow, 20 years went by like that. And I’ve got 20, at least in when people think about retirement, who knows when I’ll retire, if I’ll ever retire, but right. I’ve got like 20 years left.
What I want to do with that 20 years. And do I want it to be the same as the last 20 years, which were incredible for me or do I want it to be different? And for me, that was a moment like I had to play big because I felt like my life was amazing. My business was amazing. Everything I ever wanted was happening for me. And yet I still wanted, it’s not that I was unhappy with any of that. It was that I just wanted a different experience for my life. And for me, I think that’s the biggest moment where I had to play big. And I think sometimes Playing Big does not have to come out and change does not have to come out of negative things.
Like for me, Playing Big as about everything being okay, and still wanting to blossom yourself and a larger way. And so for me, that’s what Playing Big has meant to me most recently is everything is like better than I ever thought possible. And yet I still wanted to explore what else was possible for me. So that’s my Playing Big story. Anybody else, before we move on to the next question I’m driving, so you can’t see me and I’m sure you might not even be able to hear me very well, but I had always dreamed of eventually flipping a house or flipping multiple houses. And I think limited my own beliefs there.
Like I always thought like, oh, I’m not ready. I don’t have the money. I don’t have the time. I don’t have this or that. So I put it onto my radar. Now that’s something I want to do. And literally within a couple of days of deciding that, and then I had shown a house that really needed to be flipped and I’m like, why can’t do it? And I can’t, but an investor happened to reach out to me through text message. He texted a bunch of agents ready for my next flip, do you know of anything? And I told them about that house and I wrote an offer for it today for the investor. So just even being part of it is cool. And I probably would have never even responded to him if I hadn’t read this book, it’s an amazing story.
They, they, she didn’t listen. You didn’t listen to your inner critic, right? Yeah. And if it’s something about that property spoke to me and I was like, oh, if only I have the money or, and I won’t really even be involved in the flip, but I’ll probably list it. It’s the offer gets accepted. And if they do it, I’ll probably list it. And then it’s like mentally getting my foot in that door. Awesome. I love that. And that’s, I saw your hand up, but now I see it down. Are you in a place you can chat? Yeah. Sorry. I was just going to say, just like getting into real estate to begin with was just a big sort of milestone and a career change.
Because I remember feeling every time I would go into Starbucks during like my coffee break and my office, like nine and five roll, I’d always think, what do these people do that they can be here or in my office used to be by the lake here in Chicago. And during the summer months, there were so many boats that were out there and I’d think, what do they do that they can, they’re not having to be in the office working. Not that I’m constantly on a boat or at Starbucks, but at least now I have that flexibility to do that. And so I remember talking to a really close friend of mine, and finally it clicked when she said we were talking about work.
And I said, and I asked her, do you ever think about those same things? Like what do people do when they go to Starbucks? And just having that flexibility and a position? And her response was like, no, I really like the structure of a nine to five because with her, she had two kids. And so she liked to like disconnect as soon as the end of the day hit for her. And I was like, oh my God, these are voices that are telling me this. Isn’t like the typical sort of everybody has those feelings that works in a corporate nine to five. That kind of thing. Like this is something that’s telling me to push through and change something about my current situation, because clearly she, my friend doesn’t have these thoughts and I’m constantly with these thoughts.
And I was thinking that was normal. And then I just had to like, keep pushing them aside. Now I’m dealing with the inner critic that we’ll talk about next. But I do remember that so vividly just having that discussion and having that aha moment right at that moment. Awesome. Yeah, it’s funny. Like I always think when I was reading this chapter and I was thinking about Playing Big, I also my mind and also went to our client’s and it reminded me how buying a home as real estate agents, we think buying and selling a home is just like what we do. And we sometimes, at least sometimes I like momentarily forget, like it’s a big deal for people at every stage of the game, especially if you’re a first-time home buyers or the first time sellers or those move up, people who are buying their forever home or you’re downsizing like real estate is like part of these huge Playing Big decisions and peoples’ lives.
And I, so I, I thought this was a really great reminder also to remember that Playing Big is people. I am selling houses. We help people play big and our jobs every single day. So I love how this book, if you think about the first time I was I, so for me to learn a book, I have to read it and hear it. So I do it twice. And the first time I went through it and I was really focused on myself. The second time I went through it, I was like, wow. I put myself in like our client’s position. And I read the book through that lens. And I was like, wow, these are all the things our clients go through on their way to making their own real estate decisions. And, and how helpful a lot of the things in this book we could apply to that phase of our client’s lives and truly help them in those inner critic moments and about this Playing Big concept and, and apply it to real estate.
I liked that. I never thought about that. I’ll have to go and read it again with that like perspective. Good. Anyone else have anything about Playing Big before we do inner critic? Okay. So the inner critic, I don’t have anything to say about that because I don’t have an inner critic. Just kidding. It’s very loud and obnoxious. I love how she talks about the inner critic being just a voice within, not the ultimate authority. We think a lot of times, especially for me, I hear it and I believe it. And I think it’s me saying it, but in reality, it’s just a void. And, and other people might call the inner critic, limiting beliefs or negative thought, and everyone has them, whether we’re aware of them or not.
And she talks upon the guide here and here, she says being aware of the inner critic voice that will always be there and not letting it run the show. So first of all, being aware of it and knowing basically it’s always going to be there, but then maybe acknowledging those thoughts and then the saying, Nope, I’m not going to listen to that. This is what I’m going to do or whatever. So the, I guess this question, how do our inner critics keep us from playing bigger and our careers or, and our other parts of our lives. We want to have the thought on that, or what does the inner critic, or what I mentioned before about being aware of the inner critic and knowing, and always be there, but not letting it run the show.
What does that mean to you? I usually, so I love the thought of being aware of your inner critic, because I like that she goes through a list of 11 things to identify when it’s your inner critic talking. Cause I think so many of us don’t know, is this inner, is this the inner critic? Or is this like my own mind keeping me safe and from not doing something like super yeah, she’s flux, it’s page six. She talks about the inner critic and then versus realistic thinking. Cause sometimes you’re not sure if the app it’s the inner critic talking or if it’s this, this and that and reality. So then she gives you some helpful tips on how to distinguish between the two.
Yeah. And so I call my inner critic, negative Nancy, because I usually record, I usually recognize her because she’s telling me things like, you will never get this done or you can’t do this, or who told you or that kind of thing. And it’s funny because I was working on a really big project the last couple of days. Oh, the project, some of the copy and design for the new website that I shared with you guys on Friday. And you guys know this when you’re, you know, staring at a blank screen and wondering how the heck do I write copy for my brand new website? I don’t know about you, but it was like an avalanche of like inner critic. Who do you think you are?
This sounds terrible. And literally I, one of the days I just kept, I kept noticing like I would stop working on it. I would get really frustrated. I would buffer with watching a show, which by the way, if you guys have not watched and you’re my unorthodox life and is so good. And so I like binged on that for half of half an evening. And then finally got back to my son and I finally heard the, what did you call the realistic thinking? And I just kept telling myself, you can totally do this. And then I sat down and it took an hour and a half and I was like, wow, that seems so easy. And so, I don’t know, I have a very, I like arm wrestle my inner critic for days.
You’re not going to let anybody else have that experience. Yes. And I feel like it’s a daily sort of reminder, which is, I think why I like this age and grad school so much, because it is a good reminder of what other people are going through because it does feel like people in my circle, I didn’t grow up or was surrounded by entrepreneurs or this kind of group of people that have ideas and implement those ideas and have their own sort of business or success. And so it is a constant reminder that I have to constantly remind myself that I’m working toward this.
These are, these feelings are normal and here’s how others have overcome those feelings. And the group that I get that from is this group. So yeah. Well, I’m glad and thankful. Has anyone tried any of these techniques? There’s and she was nine of them, any of them that you’ve tried before? When did you want to try? I really liked the label and notice she actually said that it’s the foundational, this is the foundational inner critic practice on which all others depend. So when you hear your credit and talking label the voice and simply ask yourself, or label the voice simply by simply saying, oh, I’m hearing the inner class inner critic right now.
But part of what we talked about with just being aware of the critic, sometimes you’re not even aware of it. It’s just these thoughts that you’ve heard your whole life that pop up, but actually I’m labeling it and think, oh, that’s just my inner critic. And then moving on. And I, I do say my inner critic cause that’s number two. And she says separate at the eye from inner critics. So instead of saying, I’m having a freak out right now and say, oh, that’s my inner critic talking. I love that too. And look for humor. I feel like sometimes we take our inner critic seriously. And so I really liked that one where I could like maybe laugh at it or say, oh, that’s so funny. You think that, or what’s absurd or funny about what my inner critic is saying right now.
Like when my inner critic, so you’re going to get up tomorrow and what, you’re not going to do the same tonight. You’re going to watch my unorthodox life on binge. And then tomorrow you’re going to wake up at five 30 and, and get it done before your guests come for the weekend. That was absurd. And I just was like, huh, that’s never happening and not taking it seriously. I think also as a helpful thing, because if we take our inner critic seriously, then we start to believe him or her. Anybody else have anything to add? The one about being compassionate toward the inner critic? Because I feel like I can so easily fall in the frustration route with the inner critic of because I’m not moving forward and I’m stuck and I’m hearing all these things and then I get frustrated.
And so to stop and think through, or tell your inner critic, what are you trying to do right now? What are you trying to tell me? What are you trying to protect me from? And to try to understand a little bit about what’s going on. And what’s a little bit of the root of what’s going on, which also reminds me of things to tell my toddler, because I feel like there was a section and the, and in the book where she talks about our inner critic, or I think it was the inner critic piece or something as like a five-year old having a tantrum and you have to slow them down and talk them through and that kind of thing. And so that reminded me a little bit about that. That’s funny because it says create a character that personifies your inner critic.
So maybe yours, Vanessa is the toddler. Yeah. Yeah. I do feel like my toddler is like a little mirror of me and I’m like, oh God, Hey, hi, hi, hi. Yeah, I like that. Like the labeling, like I have this, not for myself as much, but I have it for my mom. So I’m sure everyone’s seeing the devil wears Prada. So whenever my mother is in her, like the mode of perfectionism, I, I started calling her Miranda and she was like Miranda and the what, and my mom is that she’s not mean or anything like that or like the character, but to just of course stop her from to see like how insane.
And some of her stuff is, know what I mean? Like when she gets really perfectionistic, I’m like, sure. Miranda. Okay. And she like, she, like now we laugh about it all the time. And she’s labeled that. She knows when she’s in that mode of like perfectionism, just being unreasonable with her expectations, like shifting things. And I’m like, okay, Miranda is that seriously? Come on. We’re going to have this family, whatever. And it’s going to be perfect. That’s not reasonable. She really likes it. And she laughs about it. She’s not offended. Thank God or I wouldn’t say it. And then my girlfriends are supportive. They’ll sometimes when I get into that inner critic thing, they’ll send me some sort of funny meme or to let me see that I’m outside the bounds of that. I’m being too hard on myself.
And that it’s just not that important, whatever it is I’m obsessing about at that moment in the larger scheme of things and to use that kind of humor too, to be like, you’re not, it’s not that serious that you didn’t clean something before your company came or, and also for me, and try to always think about what that inner critic like. One thing I started doing is is this helpful? Is this language helpful to me and identifying where the critic came from? And I had a really difficult, my father was very critical. So that’s where I know where that voice comes from. See I, so, because I’ve done a lot of work on it, so I’ll be like, is this my voice? Or is this someone else’s voice telling me that? And I realized it’s not really me. And I want to be the author of my story.
So I’m like, this is not my voice. And this isn’t helpful to me. My beating myself up is what I call my inner critic has never been and might get stuff done, but wow, do I feel crappy about myself? And so I try to just be like, okay, is this a helpful thought to grey myself? Because I fell off my diet or what, or didn’t call this person or, and made a mistake at work or whatever in general. And it’s never been helpful. So I know that’s some of the things I use, you make a good point, cause I’m on page 11. And she says, but what if my inner critic motivates me, which was one of my questions? Cause I was like, I feel like my inner critic is the thing that doesn’t make me want to sit and do nothing all day, but I love how she talks about, and she gives a couple examples, but at the, the end of the conversation and she says like, your inner critic may motivate you, but it doesn’t let you play and understanding that there is a difference there.
And thought that was really cool. Like essentially, like you can’t be motivated enough by your inner critic. Like you can, your inner critic can motivate you to get tasks done, but it can’t get you to play back. And so I keep remembering now that I’ve read that and I’m like, oh, okay, great. So if I really want to play big and make changes in my life and changes in the world, then I can’t let my inner critic be the thing and charge and motivating me to get things done. If I really liked you brought that up, Amy. So thank you for that opportunity to talk about that. And it also like what you brought up Amy about having your mom, you calling your mom out on her interview and I would love to have, or maybe around, I have friends that are close enough that maybe would call me out on that stuff and maybe ask them, Hey, when I’m acting like this, can you call me out?
Or I don’t really want to ask my husband and do that. But, but yeah, I like that idea of just having people around you that are willing to not be mean about it, but just have something more about it. Hey, that’s Miranda or whatever coming out again. I love that. Yeah. Because it’s such an extreme character, you know that like my mom knows, obviously I don’t really think she’s that, but like she gets concept like, okay, you’re acting a little insane. And, and she likes, you think that movie’s funny too. So it works and find something that you guys like maybe, or like something and culture and that you won’t get offended by, but it is good. It’s helped her. And my friends helped me when I’m spinning out too. Yeah. And then, and that makes me stop. Like I said, recognize it and be like, okay, this is a helpful thing.
No. Yeah. And she says, having an inner critic is neither abnormal nor pathic logical. We all have inner critics. And so I always think that everyone has an inner critic. That means like Oprah has one and Beyonce has one and then Gaga has one. And like all these people who do incredible things like Michelle Obama and right. If they have an inner critic and they’re able to get over it, like we can’t, it’s not like you’re born without one. It’s just, you learn how to deal with it. Should we move on to the voice of inner wisdom? Bethany? What do you think? Yeah. And we can talk about the inner critic. That’s why I was like, can we just do this all day? And one thing I did want to note that I think is important is that she does and saying that inner critic work is ongoing, which for me just gives me a sigh of relief.
Okay. I don’t need to figure it all out now. It’s just a constant process. Thanks for adding that. That’s so good. Like it’s never like you arrive or you never wait till it to be gone. You just carry it with you and keep working on it. Yep. Oh joy. Okay. So the voice of inner wisdom, or she calls the inner mentor for those of you that read the book I had, did anyone do this visualization that she, she, it was in the book and then you could go listen to the audio on her website, but about finding your inner mentor. Does anyone do this? It’s funny.
So I was doing it. I was listening to it at this stage and I was doing it. And then I had a similar reaction to what she had, which was, and how she explains like, and her initial vision quest or whatever, or mentor. It was like a negative experience. I had a negative experience the first time. And so I was really, yeah, I was really, I was really, it really helped me when she talked about her negative experience and then what she did it again, I found that really super helpful because then I did it again also and was like, oh, I totally get it. I totally get it. And I don’t know about you guys. I felt like my inner mentor was to unattainable thing because chapter really bothered me.
Cause I was like, I’ll never get to be like her. But what she says though, is you’re her now like that the point of you having that vision is that’s in the us now you just need to access it. You need to listen to that other than your inner critics or the inner critics really loud and obnoxious, but your inner wisdom or your inner mentor or what I would say, your intuition is quiet and you need to shut up the inner critic and listen to that. So I think it’s, yeah, I know what you mean. It feels unattainable. There’s no way like that’s, but I think that’s the point. Like it is possible. You just need to lift them and you need to ask what she would do and that situation or whatever situation and listen to her and her as opposed to the inner critic.
Yeah. That’s really helpful. Bethany, just reminding myself that like what Vanessa was just saying, like it’s ongoing, even though like I’m generally happy, I’m generally this. And generally that clearly if I had a bad vision and he probably got a vision quest, but whatever it is, like visualization, that you’re exactly right. And so that means I have more work to do on calming that inner critic down. And I know specifically, like what parts of my life showed up in that vision that I really want. And that means like I have, that’s a good identifier of, okay, this is where my inner critic is running the show, which is interesting because then it makes me feel like I’m more powerful because of it’s the inner critic that is causing those results and running the show and that department for departments of my life.
And specifically for me, it’s like around my weight and my health, I struggle a lot of time with like emotional over-eating or emotional eating. And like, when I was trying to do my project, I was like, I definitely need like chips to help this. And in my vision, my, when I got the second vision, when, and my inner, my mentor came out, she was like exactly how I want to look for. Maybe that means, okay, I’m not powerless. If it’s my inner critic, that’s running that show somehow I can overcome that. And I don’t feel powerless. Yeah. Thank you for explaining that for me. What about you, Bethany? What was your vision like? That was hard.
I honestly, honestly, nothing at first, like I was like, I don’t know if I just was not in the right space or right. Mental space to do it, but I want to do it again. I had a big the vision and she talks about it being like it could be really vivid and clear or it could be vague. You kind of get symbolism or so it was definitely once my future itself and my inner mentor was definitely a wiser and she says inner wisdom. It’s really, I, I think it’s and all of us that she talks about, it’s really who you truly are. It’s your own authenticity and getting rid of, or not listening to that inner critic and working through your fears and all that stuff. And at the core you is that inner wisdom it’s with us right now.
We just have to access it. I don’t know. I think I want to do it again to get it like maybe a clearer idea, but she talks about those ways where it is and what she said exactly. But do you remember when she talks about ways to calm down your inner critic before during the puzzle, is it don’t be tired or face or something like that? She gives you a kind of good direction. Yeah. Awesome. Anybody else want to add anything on the inner wisdom part? I just had a question. So when I was listening to the book and I just happened to be driving when she got to this point, so I did not do the exercise, but I also forgot exactly what it was.
Is it like a future self? And if so, like I forget whether she said it was like 10 to 15 or even just even five years and our future solid suggests okay. 20 years. And just asking questions about our future 20 year or ourselves and the twin. Why can’t I talk today? So ourselves, 20 years from now and how that looks like, okay. She says her and her mentor as a north star that can serve as your compass. She’s not the destination at which you ever fully arrived kind of thing. So it’s not the same as 20 years from now. You’re going to be there, but she helps you stay on track and head and the direction you want to go.
And then do you want to add anything to that? I was just gonna say, it’s less of writing down. Where do I want to be in 20 years? What do I look like? It’s less like conscious and more like she has, you worked through this like relaxation thing and the beginning to where you’re relaxing your mind and your body, and kind of allowing the vision to come up without interjecting your own ideas, your own like thoughts. And this is how I want it to be. ’cause maybe a lot. And she talked about a lot of the people and they’re like playing bigger and classes, their future self or whatever is completely different than what they would have thought. So it’s like letting just things come up instead of being like, I am going to be XYZ.
Okay. Yeah. And it says, parts will get in that place where you can allow that to happen. But she says that you’re, once you have a vivid sense of this older wire wiser more authentic version of yourself, you’ll find that she exists as a voice within you now. And I think that’s the whole point. Your inner mentor has a very different, a very helpful perspective on the current challenge and dilemmas you face and you can access her for guidance. So it’s like come into her and then use her. Now I can, I’ll jump in and quickly on this one. I, I thought it’s funny. I found this chapter, one of my favorites as a reminder of just the inner critic for me is just the craziness of life and Business, and, and I actually haven’t done the visit any of the visualizations.
I’m a little afraid of what that might be. And so I haven’t done that yet, but that having had my own business for 20 years and always being independent and doing my own thing, and then switching careers to real estate and trying to, just to remember the Northstar and go back to who I am and what I do. And all the experiences that I’ve had that have really, truly led me to where I am now. It was so calming to just realize that all the answers are with me and then figure, figure it out. The next step really truly is a lot of times going back in time and remembering what it is and where I want to go.
And for you. And I agree with Vanessa, this course has been amazing. Jennifer, for me, you’re like my external inner wisdom, which is really cool. Just the reminder of go back to who you are and go inside and follow that voice and take it in the direction you need it to go. And we’re so much wiser than I feel like we give our credit ourselves credit for. Yeah. Yeah. I kind of want to read a part of the book that kind of relates to this. She says there’s a voice in each of us that is unburdened by fear and unsafe by insecurity that has utter comm that emanates love for oneself and others. And that knows exactly who we would be if we were brave enough to show up as our true selves.
So the inner mentor is a way of accessing that part of us, a tool to tap into and it can become one’s personal guide to playing bigger. So, and what page was that? 48 at the top of 48. Okay. Thank you. I’m going to, I’m going to mark that one. Who wants to talk about fear? I loved this job after the two. You yeah, pretty rad. Yup. I think we can all relate to the first one. the shot. Yeah. Yeah. I’m going to butcher it. So yeah. I always get the two confused, which one’s, which, so the Cod, because I don’t know how to say the shot it’s the, on the guy and the fear projected or imagined things.
So the fear of basically things that haven’t happened yet possible future outcomes. Yeah. And then your RA is these three things listed here when we’ve got, and they come into possession of more energy than we’re used to when we inhabit a larger space and they’re used to, and when you were in the presence of the divine, so what’s an example of like, vs your RA Michelle. And for me would be one that’s what I would. And I think the fear it’s the shot fear because it’s like thinking, oh, like COVID when COVID happens with my father and my dad has diabetes. And my fear was like, oh my gosh, she’s gonna get COVID what’s going to happen. And it’s projected future possible outcome.
It wasn’t in reality. And I guess it was possible, but like, I wasn’t, yeah. I wasn’t happening now in the present and it, it never did happen. The, or my kids like, oh, what if they get sick or bring COVID home or whatever. And your situation like that, where you’re creating a scenario in your head, a possible scenario and in the future that could happen. And you’re afraid of it. You have fear around it. Whereas the other one, so she explained a little bit about the Yurok. She gave some examples. And for some reason, the one example that resonated with me was about the one where one of her students or whatever, and explain to these fears to your kids. And one of the kids said, it’s like how you feel right before the basketball game, because I played sports a lot.
So I’m that I can relate to that. And that feeling of right before you’re getting ready to play a basketball game and that adrenaline and stuff, just like when you have fear, you have at the same similar physical sensations, but it’s different because you’re like excited. And you’re like, I don’t know. It’s a different feeling. It’s subtle too. I think if somebody once told me that anxiety and excitement are the opposite sides have the same coin. So sometimes it’s like a mixed feeling right before a basketball game, like a little, get a little excitement at the same time kind of feeling. Yeah. And it’s what I think most of us feel on these calls where right before you’re about to speak up, you like have this nervousness, or at least I do.
If I’m speaking for myself and then you’re like, oh my God, I hope I don’t lie and say something wrong. But that fear right before is not going to stop me where it seems like Pasha does have that ability to stop someone in their tracks because the fear is so strong and it’s, so it associates so negatively. Whereas your Rob doesn’t have such a negative association where a person can still keep going. They just feel that fear right before, at least that’s how I understood it to be. And I think your RA, okay, go ahead and Bethany. Oh, I was just going to say, she talks about your, RA’s also your response to what’s happening in the present as opposed to your projected fear or the future.
But also she mentioned it like a feeling of all having a feeling of all like all, and I don’t know. So who can Give an example of your RA or Rashad in the real estate business? He says your RA has three different meanings. It’s the feeling that overcomes that’s when we inhabit a larger space than we’re used to, it’s a feeling we experience when we suddenly come into possession of considerably more energy than we have before. And it is when we feel in the presence of the divine. So can, has anybody this week and an example of a shod moment of fear and, or your Rob moment of fear.
And it doesn’t have to be the same person sharing the same fear for both you guys like the, or less I can say, I dare to say, you’re I could, that’s like a hard, that’s a lot. Right. And I don’t know that I feel that much, but I do have a, a calmer sense from having gone through this program and work. So, you know, heart and my business, like a calmer sense of how things are now, because I haven’t, because I’ve worked in agent grad school for 10 plus years, I don’t have that fear. Like we talked about every fall it’s oh my God, I have five more months to make this money. And what’s going to happen. The, and all the spinning out in my head for things that haven’t happened yet, or the looking at the economy, wondering what’s it going to be?
How’s it going to go out? I’m just like, I’m focusing on the work and I’m focused on my clients. And I swear to God, like the more you just let go of that, the more everything just starts appearing and happening. It’s so crazy. Like the more you just stopped, like doing that. And you’re like, oh, Hey, I want to make an offer on a house, Amy. Oh, okay. Hey, here’s a contract on the house. Okay. And, and like, when I’m trying to hunt it down and make it happen, it’s I can’t make it happen. Like, it’s a very tricky thing, Jennifer and I talked about this a little bit yesterday. Like the stuff we’re in control of and can make happen and the stuff that we can like literally, and all the magic in between all that, like doing the footwork for all these years and then, but now, so I do feel like I’m in a place this August, which is always an August, I freak out that I’m just like, yeah, I’m not freaking out, which is weird feeling, but I’m trying not to freak out about that.
The fact that I’m like settling into it, like I’m just accepting it and I’m not fearing August. And I am not fearing what’s coming down the pike and the fall. I’m not forcing myself to have and make this much money or sell these things or whatever. I have my business and it’s going and things are gonna fall in place as they’re supposed to. If I die and I’m doing my work, but I’m not on the worry side. I’m not in the side, not sitting there and projecting like what’s going to happen. And two months or three months, or next year we have lots of other, I have other things to focus on the fundamentals of my business and helping my clients. And then these things just start coming.
That makes sense. Totally. And it’s a nice feeling. And I will say, I don’t know why I’ve been fighting it for, I don’t know, 10 years. And I’ve been fighting and no, I must worry. That’s the only way everything will be. Okay. And then when I just don’t worry, it’s the opposite. And then things are okay, but I had to put in all that footwork first and, and, and it took me a long time to get here. It’s almost like worry was such a big part of it and fear that I feel like even now, like something’s missing and then I’ll talk to my friends and I’ll be like, I’m really calm. What’s wrong with me? Why am I so calm? What you’re talking about is the, this part of the book.
Let it be easy. I think she could talk about setting, putting in place an abundance of supports for like you were talking kind of what Jennifer teaches to getting all everything’s set up and having that support in place and eventually having that business, just the automated and I don’t know. And is that kind of what you’re talking about? Amy? Did you read this? I did not read it, but yeah. That’s exactly what I think made you successful think of a time and go through a lot of fear to realize that I’m not fearful of that, but it is true. I have things in place.
And even when I had things in place years before I still had fear, that’s, what’s insane about fear, right? So you have this program, you believe in yourself like trying to call the inner critic, always pushing myself forward, but still that gut-level of fear. But what if this time I’m I don’t sell this. What if instead of, and my friend has said this to me before, I’ve thought about this. She’s like always think about, what’s the worst thing that can happen. But like, think about when you’re a kid, like when you didn’t know something, you always thought the best thing and that was gonna happen. You were always like my friends coming over and we’re gonna play and we’re gonna do all this. And, and he’s just so much fun. And you’re like, so excited. Everything was always positive generally. Like you’re always excited for life and whatever mysteries were going to happen. And then we grew up and we’re like, oh my God, what’s going to happen.
And, but when we don’t know things, and so she always reminds me like, think about when you’re a kid, you’re pretty like, positive about life. I’m going to go get ice cream and hang out with my friends and we’re going to ride bikes. It’s going to be great. And then you go exploring and then we grow up and we’re like, oh, here’s something like unknown. And we’re like, that’s going to be terrible. Every party, every time you meet someone new, it’s like the worst. When you were a kid, you’re like friends, friends. And we’re like, you just like more open, I think, to expecting good things and less fearful. And they talk about that when you should learn sports when you’re young, because you’re less fearful and like all that stuff. And so I try to think about that too, but they do feel that sense of, I knew Jennifer had a lot of that too.
And she like, you would go away and you could feel comfortable about that. And August, that’s the thing I embraced. And I, and that’s what I was trying to when I was at our July bonus called the month when I was like the summer of ease. She also says in the flood at the EASI chapter, so many, she says for so many of us, myself included, it’s radical to consider that major behavioral change or significant achievements could happen. Not the cause of one’s forth, we’ll struggle or the hard work, but because we support ourselves so wisely and fully, that change happens with ease. So that’s exactly. Yeah, exactly what she said.
Unrelenting self-compassion why is planning sustainable option? That’s what, letting it be easy as all about letting the easiest, not just vacation and you know, and go to the pool every day. No, I’m going to take care of myself. Take a break. When I know I can, I’m gonna plan. And I’m going to take action to get myself there and back to the inner with where were we fear? Anything else anybody want to add to this fear conversation? I feel bad because we’re at that hour mark. And literally we can talk about this book literally all day long, but I want to keep people moving forward. Who has anything to say about fear are the two versions of fear that she presents in the book specifically.
So we move on to unhooking from praise and criticism. Yeah. And we can talk, do you want to just do like maybe one more category? Okay. Okay. Talking about it and I’m trying to maybe wrap it up and whoever needs to go is fine, but let’s try to maybe stick to like maybe five minutes for the next couple of chapters. Okay. Cause I think this is when the book gets good. Really good. Yeah. So the next part is unhooking from fees and criticism. So she describes a number of reasons why women are typically impacted by praise and criticism. I think it’s on page, maybe nine. She lifts out like, oh no, that’s the beginning of the chapter.
I don’t know where it is, but I think it was six different reasons. Why and you talking about the principals? Oh, the sixth. Yeah. I was trying to 96 I think is what you’re looking for. Oh, okay. Yeah. And, and so this is, I think it’s specifically, she talks about women and why we’re affected by their trying and trying to unhook from praise and criticism relate to relational focus. We have a relational focus, a heightened awareness of other’s reactions, history of survival through likeability and social influence for your personal attacks, culturally focused on girls and women, the appearance and the good girl conditioning. Those were the six things she mentioned.
I love this chapter because often I think what motivates us or causes us to take certain actions or others, whether we know it or not, it feels very like deep-seated Mo motivation for, for praise or avoiding criticism. And if you can unhook yourself from that need to avoid criticism or gather praise, imagine what you could create for yourself. And I really resonate with that and I love principle five. She talks about the five principles. What does she want? And five principles for unhooking from the praise principle.
Number one, feedback. Doesn’t tell you about you. It tells you about the person giving the feedback, which I think is hilarious and true and incorporates feedback though. That’s strategically useful and let go of the rest. Absolutely. And knowing, listening to your inner mentor about which is which, and then she goes on to say, and this is for everyone here, women who play big, get criticized period. Yeah. Expect it. So many of us are like, I don’t want to send my newsletter. I don’t want to do that because you’re worried about what people will say. They’re going to say it anyway. So she says every, anybody who plays big gets criticized than she says, criticism hurts when it mirrors what we believe about ourselves and realizing that’s really what hurts when we’re being criticized and remembering that.
But my favorite is number five, ask, what’s more important to me than preys. And she goes, and she says the answer, which is remembering your true priorities. And I think that’s where that inner mentor can come in because it’s not about what’s happening in the future. It’s okay. And then that is my inner mentor. What is my true priority today? And so if I’m trying to, if I’m unhooking from the avoidance of Christian and CISM or the path of praise, the only way that I can do that is if I remember what’s true for me and what my priorities are. And nine times out of 10 99 0.9%, sometimes out of a hundred, it is not, the priorities are not that we’re given from the outside world are not our own.
The are the priorities are the people who are giving them to us and they want us to stay exactly where we’re at. That’s a lot of times, or we get criticism when we play big because people want, they’re like, wait, you’re this person to me. And I can’t imagine you being any different. Anyway, that’s my rant and praise and criticism, Where should I keep going? And I feel the need to avoid criticism and, and get praise is what literally takes us off our path and takes us down the wrong ways. And sometimes we end up in a place where like, how the hell did I get here? This is not at all what I want. And I think that’s the dream killer.
It prevents us from Playing Big and getting what we really want out of life. I think page 14, I need to make a copy of it and put on my wall. ’cause it’s the graph on page 14. It’s the graph that really goes over what being hooked on criticism looks like and what being unhooked on criticism looks like. And, and I think it’s a good reminder to just, and the last one, like praise is the Sunday is how our mind things when we’re hooked on criticism. But we are when we are unhooked my own fulfillment service to others. And self-expression is the Sunday. And praise is just the cherry on top.
Yes. I just got chills, Vanessa. So yeah, I feel like this chapter, there’s so many things that I just saw. I was like, oh my God. But all good things and all too, and all I think so great to just see from that perspective and then start to notice moving forward. I don’t know. The thing that I will add to that is when you get old, some of us are this unhooking from praise sometimes happens more, very naturally. You’re like I’m 57 years old, 67 years old and whatever you are. And you’re like, I don’t have to care what you think anymore.
I’ve done the work I’m whatever the scenario is. So I would say too if you’re very young and you struggle with this, be kind to yourself because it will happen as either. And it’ll happen with age and maturity or you’ll get yourself there earlier, which is obviously optimal, but just, yeah, criticism is, is hard. No one likes it and to get praise is the very opposite of that. And so that’s what you’re going to attend towards naturally. I think also this goes into going into what I was saying earlier.
Not having people around me, friends and family that have gone through this process. And so another reason why the Agent Grad School is great of having a group of people that are going through this process. And we could talk about it because I do feel like there are criticisms or just people don’t know what they don’t know. And so they might be saying something and to try to help you, but I feel like questions, like, why are you creating a website? Or why are you? Don’t like, shouldn’t you just get leads into this. And I really work. And actually what I’m doing is a different model. And so just having to go through the explanation to someone who hasn’t, who hasn’t gone through the process of thinking outside the box and implementing all those things, I think invites criticism and praise when you’re doing something that’s so different to the people that are close to you.
So this is a good chapter to remind myself. And again, another reason why age and grade school is great. Yeah. I think another time when we’re S like how to notice when we’re seeking praise or avoiding criticism is when we feel quote, unquote, what are we trying to like, oftentimes at least in my own experience when I feel stuck, or I don’t know what to do, or I pretend I don’t know what to do, it’s often because I’m afraid of the criticism that it might bring with it. So that’s, for me, I’m like, oh, I get it. I’m trying to avoid people being quote unquote, mad at me for something. Yes.
And that’s how it feels. And it’s a good reminder to be like, just got to keep going. And then that feedback is not really on the topic at hand, but it’s more so like how they’re feeling about things is also a good one. Ah, the criticism and judgment. Right. And I think, I don’t know if they’re the same. I think I feel like they’re a little bit different. Like, I feel like judging is almost like a, like a moral thing or a whatever kind of ethical thing and criticism is, oh, I don’t got color. This looks wrong, or right. You know what I mean? Kind of thing. Like when I think about weight, I think about judgment or myself, and like a lot of women and I saw this on Twitter and all of these I’ve lately seen like all these like stars where they people comment on their weight all the time.
And they’re like breaking down crying, and that’s being like attached to that, like criticism and judgment and that’s cause it’s their career. And they’ve always had to be in that spotlight, but it’s really sad for people to be so mean, but like those stars are not immune to that. And there were people and anyway, And they’re just like us just like real estate agents affected by criticism. All right. And so that we aren’t here all day. Should we move on to goods, leave good student habits behind which I’m so excited to talk about. Yeah. Believe it or not since you were her students, but part of, one of the things I see is so many people trying to get it, quote unquote, like, hi, I’m going to have to, and I’m like, what do I have to do to get it right?
Or you guys go into the curriculum and you try to do everything perfectly and it’s read this chapter. I’ll now send you to this and this book. So definitely go ahead. Sorry. I’m stealing yours that’s fine. You can go ahead. No, I was just going to say the same thing. Just the good student habits for me is definitely trying to get it right. And trying to make it perfect before putting it out in the world to avoid that criticism and stuff. And I feel like I have to get it bit. And then also the like over preparation too, or what is the, I don’t know, analysis paralysis where you’re trying to like learn everything about a topic before you actually jump in.
And I think part of the learning process is just jumping in and, and experiencing it and taking action and that’s scary. So, it feels better for me to just learn more or take another class or make sure it’s perfect or run it by more people or whatever, before I actually learned out there. But I think she mentioned in the book too, like the people you’re running it by are the people we’re talking to. Aren’t your, are the people you’re trying to talk to. You need to put it out there to do the people you’re talking to and feeling the fear responses, you, or audience or your niche or the people you’re trying to help and see what their response is. And then go from there, adjust or whatever, and go from there. I don’t know, focusing On the skills, focusing on skills. So it’s not about doing something perfect like you, and especially you don’t learn something just like in school.
We don’t think about school. It’s like such a passive learning experience. And oftentimes you don’t actually acquire skills because you cannot, it’s like learning to play basketball or learning to ride a bike. Like you can watch and learn passively, but until you actually physically go off and do it, you can’t find that adjustment. Or I like this bike instead of this bike. Right. Or I don’t like basketball. I like volleyball. Like whatever it is, but focusing on the skill and, and practicing and experimenting and making it visible and then continuing to do it. And I think is going against the grain of what a quote unquote good student has, right? Like it’s not about getting A’s, it’s not about possibly learning regurgitating information.
It’s about taking information, putting it out in the world and a way that’s very you and then seeing what happens and then doing it over and over again And winging it a little bit and just trying it out and not being totally afraid that it’s not perfect. Okay. Before getting it out there. Yeah, no, One’s grading you on your website. Like literally you’re not going to get an a, or not going to fail. What works if, first of all, you’ve done it and talking about you use it as the powerful tool that it can be for your real estate business. Is that an a or a B, or is that a fail C like it doesn’t exist and keep doing whatever it takes to get the results that you want.
Perfect. Say it again and yeah. Be brave. Not perfect. Yes. I can’t tell. We tell our kids that all the time, and now they’re telling me that it’s a little harder to swallow when your kids tell you what you, and when they use that towards, I taught you so well, Speaking of winging it and leaving good students behind, who wants to talk about how they hide chapter six, who’s guilty of this one Is being a hermit completely never wanting to leave your house hiding.
I don’t know that Buy the new, you want to present this one? Yeah. So I think she talks about different strategies that we use to hide this before that, which I’m guilty of a lot and saying, I got to do this before. I can do that. And designing at the whiteboard, just, I guess that’s over preparation. That’s good. Not taking outside feedback. Do I know the whiteboard is not the way it’s like being at your computer and doing your website and not the world for feedback. Yeah. Okay. We keep picking on the website. It’s just an easy target. Yeah. There’s a good one. Who does the sun over-complicating and endlessly policies Collecting and curating everyone else’s ideas and meeting your own story.
And that one’s Huge. And again, this is those of you have a hard time with your about page. The reason why are a real estate agent and really she says Playing bigger, always includes in some way, coming forward to tell your own tails, waste your own questions and share our bare simple truths. This is how our work finds its spark and gains its power and not just to inform minds, but also change hearts. Number six, probably not so much in this class. Right? Yeah. Anybody want to add anything about hiding? Hiding is another one of those dream colors, because we think we’re like right there disguised. She says the warning. Typically when I introduce women to these hiding moves, they, they have some moments.
As they see the unconscious ways they’ve been cross-pollinating on playing bigger, there’ll be kind to yourself, right? Because oftentimes we trick ourselves. We’re like, no, I need to figure this out. I need to finish my website before I can, blah, blah, blah. Not necessarily right. Continuing to Polish and not use it as the tool that it can be anything else on hiding. I feel like this one and we could talk about for an entire day, at least personally. Well, and I had to say yes to this entire book, because it’s just a little too close to home if you will. But no, but overall I do find that all of the vis or sorry, all of the hiding concepts, I feel like I do with just one to do.
And I’m like, no, I gotta do this and that. Or I have to think of all the steps or, and it’s just all and just like one to do item and that I’m like doing all of these things and so on. And so I just have to, I just have to put it out there and just be done now. But so it’s just a good reminder And kind Of, of looking at how I just continue moving forward to get myself out there and things like that. Shall we leap after we ha after we stopped hiding, right. And the leaps occur. Yeah. And the thing is Like the cure too. A lot of this was taking action, I think S but she had the very specific, like the way she describes taking the leap six criteria.
So it gets you playing bigger. Now, according to what playing bigger means to you, and it can be started and finished within a week one or two weeks, it’s simple and action that you can describe in a short phrase, it gets your adrenaline flowing. It puts you in contact with those. You want to reach for implants, how the center, it has the learning goal. A question you can answer by doing the leap, which I think is I love that she gives you that criteria. So you can have take something like a big thing that you want to get done. And like, maybe break it down with some smaller steps and figure out what is one thing you can do right now to take that lead and we’ll leave it. That’s crazy area. And, and she says, no, it’s not just the decision of decision plus the action Action.
Yeah. And I thought a bit, a good example within the book, which I think was really relevant to real estate was it was in the lead. I think it was in the, let it be easy chapter where she talks about that woman who like, was told to blog, but she didn’t really like blogging. And instead she wanted to do the, like, in-person once a month, she wanted to do those in-person jewelry shows or something like that for the people. So I loved that. Like she let it be easy, but also that was a leap because she was like, I’m just gonna do this other thing. And she literally went and did it. It’s still, it’s still the goal of getting in front of how many people a month or whatever to sell her jewelry.
But she went at it and a different way than she could do so quickly and immediately and easily for her. Like I was reading when I heard that I was like, that would not be me. I’d rather sit by behind my computer and blog, but she let it be easy for her. That’s the chapter where she was, where she talked about. Once you take those leaps, you’re building a new identity. So you’re no longer someone who wishes to have like a, I forgot what the, I think the example was like a group session or something to that effect after you do like a group session, you now become like, I am the person that does group sessions.
And so it’s building that identity of the person that you want to become, which gives us more confidence to continue. I don’t know if that was the next one or this one, but I really, that that really landed with me because it’s good to look back at the actions that I’ve taken and see that I’m building that identity slowly, but I’m still building that identity. Okay. And so that’s a good reminder. Yeah. Like you said, putting yourself into action and putting yourself in front of the people who you need to be in front of, because she goes on to say a leap is never a decision. It’s the decision plus the action. So like what you were just saying, and then she says, it’s never solidarity, which I’m so guilty of it.
It puts you in the contact with those you want to reach and influence. And that is so crucial. Like again, you can make a website all day long, but unless it’s in front of, and you are in front of the people you want to reach and influence, it’s not going to do. And he got the right. She says, it’s not sharing your work with family, friends, or mentors. It requires sharing your work with the intended audience. We don’t care what our husband and our mom and her sisters and brothers, and think of our, whatever we’re doing, what we need to do is put whatever we’re doing in front of the intended audience. The people you most want to impact and serve, and it’s never taking a training course or enrolling in an educational experiments experience. It has the leap, has you sharing your gifts with the world. So a class is great. You can learn stuff here, but you will not get where you want to go. Unless you take what you’ve learned here from day one and put it out into the world. Anything else about leaps you guys want to talk about? I just wanted to let the math and know what you were talking about. It is in the leaping part, it’s on page 1 71. It talks about leaving changes your concept of self from, I want to be a woman who whatever, to this, who I am, because you’ve actually taken that leap and done it. And then you can say that. And then also in turn, I guess, builds confidence And says having done it once our self-identity has shifted from, we want to run a creative workshop and inspiring locations to we do run creativity workshops and, and inspiring locations community.
You want to communicate with power? Yep. Oh yeah. And this one’s about the e-mails. So women and often demotion and selves words, and effort and say what they really wants it today. While also coming across as a nice, flexible conciliatory and calm doesn’t make me, it made me laugh because I do a lot of them. I was like, I am guilty of every single thing. And every single one of my emails, Actually the almost sorry, but a little bit, Even when talking, I can hear my yeah, yeah. Guilty. You too. In fact, yesterday. So I finished the book.
I actually finished this book. I feel like yesterday. And as I was writing emails, I literally had to erase just the word, Jess. And I was like, oh, I’m not putting anything in there. And there was something else. It was like, I think I even said, did I, did it make sense? And like several times yesterday, I had to rewrite my emails. And I was so proud of the fact that I could catch myself because I, after realizing how diminished it made me sound, I never, I would use the stuff all the time. And then I, how diminished or how belittled I was like making my own word sound. I really felt empowered yesterday to erase that from the emails.
I’m sure I will not catch it every time, but I think it was just like fresh in my mind yesterday. And I was like, wow, I didn’t realize, like I do it so much. It also seems like it’s easier to start doing it. And the emails, rather than in person doing it in person is one thing. But then seeing it written this tall man. Yup. There it is in front of Me, like blinking. And I was just going to say she had the download on her website that tell, I don’t know, I don’t think I’ve looked at it, but it tells you like to read through this checklist before you send the email. I don’t remember what it’s called, but that’s helpful. I think with emails, sending out emails and we send out a lot of email and phone And you’re on page one ninety seven.
Oh, is it on the book? Yeah, but you could always print it out from our website and put it up. Oh yeah, there it is. Yep. Check for shrinkers check for any unnecessary apologies check for any added a little bit or just a minute or just a sec check for any instances of, does this make sense? Do you know what I mean, chapter and the undermining disclaimers. I’m just thinking off the top of my head. I’m no expert, but check for places where you’re hiding your point of view behind a question we’ve and warmth. I will tell you that after this I, the same thing went through my emails and went holy cow.
I am. I felt I, yeah. Anyway, so then I started concentrating on not doing it and a very different voice came into my head and it frightened me a little, like I’m like, okay, now I feel like I sound angry. And so not just taking that stuff out, it’s hearing yourself properly. And I think she says we’ve and that worked. And that’s very hard for me to do without, I thought, because that’s what I thought I was doing and being relatable, blah, blah, blah. And then I took all that stuff out and I went, wow, you sound like a no-nonsense and I’m still struggling with it because I take that stuff out and I look at it and I go, what, why do I sound so not fun?
And just like, just the facts, man. So interesting Too, because she’s saying that women struggle with this because we are trying to either be warm or look competent. And so taking out all those, like Jess and I just lost the page where it had the lists or does this make sense is our way of sounding warmer too, the person that we’re talking to. Whereas she was saying, men actually have the ability to sound warm and competent, but women, we feel like we can only be sound either. Or so if we remember that, yes, we sound competent, but we don’t sound warm.
I, I will tell you probably my number one, struggle, not my number one. I have so many, but this is a struggle. Like when I go back and read my emails and I’m like, oh, I feel like I’m angry and I’m not angry. I’m just trying to relate the facts to them. So that’s it interesting that you find it, that you found that you sound angry? I’m curious, like I loved you for you to send or maybe bring tomorrow or Thursday. It’s an email. I wonder if you think you sound angry, but I wonder if other people think he’s not angry. Well, that I have gone ahead and set some of them and no one’s ever commented back.
Geez, you’re sad and angry or they just give that to me. So it’s totally in my head. I have a voice in my head and it’s harder than just taking out words. Now you take those words out and you have to change how that voice sounds in your head. I liked the example. She has a couple of examples, examples of emails, like email it’s on page 1 95 and 97 specifically the ones that Chris and Susan. And I think like when she takes out some of the like nonpowerful communications, but she then adds in, I’d love to hear your reactions to this.
Let me know what you think that softens it without taking away the power or she’ll say like she added, I always enjoy and brainstorming with you both. So I think that little, the warmth piece, I think is a crucial element, at least for me, because I totally hear what you’re saying. Erica is sometimes you’re just like, wow. I’m like written to the point here, but she says, and humor and warmth can soften it without softening, without removing the powerful statements. Yeah. Haven’t you heard too, did she say in there, about the escalate acclimate, exclamation marks, like I’ve seen a lot of women talk about like and beat the carriage were being pointed out.
I like exclamation marks. Like apparently we’re too happy to the men. Don’t use them as much and I have to go back and erase mine a lot. Cause I’m like generally pretty up anyway. So I’m like great, whatever. And then I’m like, and I’ll think about it. I don’t need like all this, I don’t know. There is this thought process in the business world that you shouldn’t use them, but I’ve heard other women defend it saying, no, this is I’m going to use it. I don’t care. It’s my language. And I don’t, it’s not businessy. So I don’t know. But With exclamation points sometimes without the qualifiers that we’re trying to take out, it just comes off. I feel like as yelling, like, so we put the house on the market tomorrow.
I think We’re like damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I agree with the whole heart. Yeah. And then, but what I have learned at least I’m, I am completely a hundred percent on all these things, especially in person. I will not want to make any, I will do everything to make someone else feel comfortable before. And, and I have to really watch myself with that because I need to tell someone the honest truth about what they can or cannot do or what the consequences might be. Whether it makes me feel uncomfortable or not. I have to share that. And I have found that generally people do want you to be fairly, at least where I live direct and tell them what’s next and what to do. And in a nice way, but in a way that isn’t saying, if you want to do that, if you can just get that over whenever, whenever you want to get the earnest money deposit or just do that and stuff like that, as opposed to you have three days.
And, and I practice doing that where I’ve set stronger parameters in my writing and my talking and people are like, great, okay. Cause when I don’t do it, they follow up with questions. Like how long do I have or when should I do this? And then it makes me feel like, okay, I haven’t serviced them well, but it’s the only cause I’m trying to give them all the flexibility to just go whenever they want to go type thing, it’s better when I say, yeah, these are the days you have a wish to do this. And this is when we need to do this type thing, because I Also think that women are raised from a very young age to be pleasers and not be the loudest or in the room, not to be the most where it’s okay to be smart, but you have to be smart in a palatable way and smart and nice.
Yes, yes. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. This kind of goes a little bit against that cultural raising that we’ve had. I love going against cultural raisings. Let’s do it. I, it is hard to, it’s a wall that you have to break through and I am struggling with my own voice. And when I try and be nice and take out all those qualifiers. So to me, it still sounds as women, we still need to do more in our emails, but we can do more without the quote, like the qualifiers.
So when she did provide examples of the before and after emails, she did say the first version of Katherine’s email is full of phrases that make her sound insecure and apologetic. So then in version two, she takes that out. And so she says, and version two, Catherine has cut the diminishing phrases out, but to compensate for the lack of those softeners, she’s also more deliberately express warmth in both the opening and closing of her note. So It goes to what Erica was saying, where she cut that out and then felt like she was, she sounded harsh or mean. And so still as a woman to compensate for that, we have to still adjust our emails to soften our messaging, which is still interesting.
I find, but it does remove all of that. I’m not sure if you remember me just actually a little bit, sorry if I et cetera, et cetera, we just have to re rework it a little differently and that’s on page 1 91 94, 1 95. Okay. Yeah. I can almost guarantee there’s no book about emails for men who need to add work. That’s a good point. Maybe also a good point just to eliminate what Eric was saying of like feeling angry. But again, I’m curious how angry you come off. I don’t know. Is it just you, it’s interesting. It’s an interesting two-sided conversation. Like why do we have to add warmth?
But yet probably adding worth warrants makes our emails feel. I think her point and I would work not be little mint. Right? There’s a huge difference there. Should we talk about our callings or do you want to talk more about powerful communication? Bethany? What do you think facilitator Calling, calling do calling. Okay. So she defines calling is a longing to address a particular need or problem in the world. And some can be big long-term projects or careers, others small, shorter-term. And I love that. She points out that we can have several callings at one time and many and our lifetime because you think when you think of calling and think you have one calling one big calling and I flew out with my colleague and I don’t know, kind of theory, but when you think about while you’re calling and can be, they can be small, they can be short, they can be something little that you do at your kid’s school or in the community.
They can be part of your career choice or not. And they can change depending on the fusing of your life. I love that. How that’s, how she defined callings. And then she said, oh, she, sorry. If you hear the bang upstairs, she says, which the question here, which are the eight ways to recognize a calling on page two, eight feels surprising to you. So she lists out eight ways to recognize the calling. It wasn’t a surprise to me, but my favorite one that I really wish everyone and the whole universe would hear is the journey as the reward. So often we forget that like it’s the path that actually, if somebody just handed you a successful real estate business, I guarantee you’d be bored out of your mind.
You wouldn’t be grateful for it. And if it just fell on your lap, you’d be like, eh, but remembering that it’s like the process of getting there is actually what you’re, even though it’s like maybe excruciating sometimes and not fun all the time. But the journey is what you’re actually looking for. Not the top of the mountain, right? Like people who are mountain climbers, they didn’t take a helicopter to the top. They’re like there for the journey to the top. That’s how I always remind. I always remind myself that it’s the journey that I’m interested in, not the destination. I like that.
I also liked how she talked about our callings and both Pershad, which I might be mispronouncing. And you’re all the require us to risk, failure and criticism to step onto a larger stage. Our callings usually ask us to move into some kind of leadership. Our callings make us emotionally vulnerable, which is why they always sometimes feel. So I don’t know what the right word is like nerve-racking and she says, so we resist our callings. And then she goes on to say, turn away from your calling and you can have success, money, status, and a claim, but you won’t have true Playing Big because you’ll know you copped out on your real dreams for how you most wanted to contribute to the world.
I hope you enjoyed listening to that snippet of our book club discussion about the book Playing Big, our July book club choice for the Agent Grad School summer book club 2021 for the month of August, we are reading “You are a badass at making money, master the mindset of wealth” by Jen Sincero. And I don’t know about you. She is hilarious. She has such a great sense of humor, and I truly enjoy listening to her books on audio just because of her delivery. So however you either listen to it or read it. And we hope that you’ll read along with us and then stay tuned for that book club discussion. The first week in September, I’ll be sharing it with our inner circle members.
And if you aren’t an agent grad school inner circle member yet, then you’re missing all the good stuff like discounts on becoming an Eden grad school student free trainings that I don’t give anywhere else. And even an email, every time we have a new podcast episode, it’s free and you can join the Agent Grad School dot com forward slash inner circle. Thank you for listening to this episode of Confessions of a Top Producing Real Estate Agent. We purposely keep this podcast sponsor and commercial-free so we can focus solely on providing real estate agents with the content that will help them grow the real estate business. And how about life? They love outside of the business too, but we need your help to get this podcast and the hands of other real estate agents.
So please, if you liked this episode, leave a review on iTunes or wherever you’re listening, and also tell your agent friends to listen in to thank you so much for supporting this show for being a listener and supporting other agents along your way to success. That’s what this is all about. See you next time. On another episode of Confessions of a Top Producing Real Estate Agent. And until then, Tom, hang with me over at agentgradschool.com. I’ll see you there.